


The Wedding Satire

by LadyJane_BBJFE



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Cowlip is roundly mocked, Crack, M/M, and might be a two-headed four-armed monster, seriously, seriously pure ridiculous crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-27 07:30:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6275290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyJane_BBJFE/pseuds/LadyJane_BBJFE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Um. This is hard to describe. </p><p>Pure, unadulterated crack, told in alternating narratives between the author and her alter-ego, a 14-year old clueless bad!fic writer. The narrative also switches from inside BBJFE's head to Jane's cracky interpretation of the QAF!verse, to a behind-the-scenes cracky interpretation of Gale losing his mind and Randy's resignation while CowLip manifests as a fascist monstrosity. </p><p>Basically, Brian proposes in alternating romantic and cynicism depending on which story you're reading, and CowLip exploits the politics of gay marriage for their own infernal end game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wedding Satire

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this almost a decade ago, but haven't posted it here until now because... well, it's weird. Or, to put it another way, this story is in a context of the hotly debated end of the series, the horrible, horrible bad!fic and ship/character wars raging in the fandom at the time. Looking back, I can only scratch my head. I still find it funny - but I'm not sure if that's "haha" funny or "wtf" funny. A little of both, maybe.

Disclaimer: Okay, Seriously. I don't know Gale Harold or Randy Harrison. They appear here as TOTALLY FICTIONAL CHARACTERS for the purpose of pure satire. I made up these people, completely. CowLip is not the two-headed, four-armed monstrosity as I imply in this story. Really. It’s not. I mean it. I don't know Cow or Lip either. In fact, all these people are fictional. Gale would never walk off a set; from everything I hear, he and Randy are totally professional. I don't know anything about them; all situations are made up for satirical plot purposes and in all probability bear absolutely no resemblance to real people. Any chance they do is pure coincidence. 

________

Chapter 1

 

****

**BBJFE!!! writes:**

The Porpoisel!! 

So 1 day Brain was hanging out in the loft and watching his sunshine draw by the window. Wich he thought was funny because Sunshine was in the sunshine and he is starting to laugh now!! and then he is starting to cry now! 

“OMG brain what is wrong are you alright? Jutsin said throwing aside his drawing paper like it was evil or something and running to his babies side. 

Brian pulled away from his baby and that was weird cause brain never pulled away from his sunshine he was like a starving cloud about to burst and needed the sunshine to dry him up all the time!!!

Justin looked hurt and he pouted. but brain saw that his sunshine was all upset and he said to him “no baby do not be sad i got some thing four you.” and he went over to his desk and opened a drawer where justin never pried because sunshine is like respectful and stuff unlike Mikey who is evil. Mikey would of been all over that drawr which was locked and would be prying and stuff. Because like i say mikey is evil. you do not have to believe me but it is true.

Anyways back to the story. So brain went to his desk and got out a long box and came over to his sunshine and kneeled down on his knees and opened up the ring box and in it was the most beautiful ring all encrustated in diamonds around the platinum band and with a huge sapphire on top!!! “It matches your eyes.” Brian said softly he was nervous but he looked up into the beautiful blue orbs with his moist hazel orbs and had to finish. “Justin Taylor you are the most beautiful woman in the entire universe including Connecticut and would you marry me?” 

“OMG YES BRAIN OF COURSE I WILL MARRY YOU!!!” JUSTIN sobbed and his hands were shaking so bad brain could barely get the ring on his hand cause his hand was shaking too and then they laughed and attacked each others mouths for such a long time that they had to break away for oxygen cause other wise they would of past out!!!!

 

****

**Jane writes:**

“Justin Gets His Fucking Ring”

 

“So, Sunshine,” Brian said, picking up one of the gay marriage brochures the GLC had printed up. “When are you expecting me to propose?”

“If I wanted to marry you, I’d ask you myself,” Justin answered, tossing his jacket over the back of the couch, and heading back to the counter to check how the brochure cover he designed had turned out. “Besides, fuck that.” He expelled the “F” sound as “phf,” underscoring its scoffing tone. “I don’t want to marry you. Are you kidding? I love our policy. If you piss me off too much, I have an open door to walk out of.”

That stopped Brian, and he almost managed to understand for the splittest of seconds that Justin might indeed actually mean what he had just said. “What… you wouldn’t marry me.”

“Nope.” Justin shook his head, grinning at his partner.

“Even if I asked you.” 

“Nope.”

“What about all that crap you spew about gay marriage?”

“Well, sure. People should have a choice. It isn’t about you per se. I want the option.”

“You just don’t want to exercise it.”

Justin shrugged, compressed his lips.

Brian eyed him, feeling something akin to… what the fuck was that? Was that what nerves felt like? “You just don’t want to exercise it with me.” 

“Yeah, well. You’d be a lousy husband. Besides, I want someone who would obey me,” Justin teased. To lighten the mood. Sure, to lighten the mood. I mean, you couldn’t actually ask someone to OBEY you. You really couldn’t, it wasn’t, like, enlightened or some such shit. You couldn’t. Could you? He imagined Brian on a leash. And then his imagination immediately filled in the background orgy, and Brian unwinding the leash line from around his neck to tug at the trick attached to the collar at the other end of it. Well, Brian wasn’t the obeying type anyway. Not by a long shot. 

Brian walked silently away. Justin shrugged, and went back to studying the brochure. The yellow was a tad off... but that wasn’t his fault, that was the printer. Still…

Brian stormed back, stomping over to Justin and slapping his hand down hard on the brochure, blocking Justin’s view and forcing him to look up. “What the fuck do you mean, I’d be a lousy husband? I make a ton of money. I don’t bullshit you. I come home, to you, every night. I haul your ass around town whenever you need me to. I give you all the money you want. I support everything you do, well, when you’re not waving guns around. So, what, you need faithfulness? Is that the problem? Is that what this is about?” 

Holy shit, he was really pissed off. Justin started cracking up. Which made Brian turn redder in the face - well, flushed, Brian’s face never could be called red, no, red implied some unattractive mottling on the skin, and Brian never, never could be called unattractive, especially not when flushed, only made him more beautiful, he really was just too beautiful for words, true, true... That flushed skin distracted Justin, he just loved the aesthetically pleasing and you sure as hell hit the jackpot in aesthetics of physical perfection with Brian. Justin considered this as his eyes roamed to take in those lips, now pressed tightly together. He wondered how long it would take him to get those lips to relax. Hm…

“You don’t want to marry me, Brian.” Try that one, for starters. Hm, he could imagine what Brian could do to him with those lips, yup, you betcha…

“How do you know that?” Lips barely opened, then back to compressed. Okay, that didn’t work. But good start, the lips had moved, but he could do better… then Justin heard what Brian had actually said. 

Peh. 

Back to those lips. “So you do want to marry me.” Keep Brian distracted from the little game Justin wanted to play, this could get fun, god, the man had such amazing skin… even all red, er, flushed like this. Especially all flushed like this. Now, which open area of skin should he put his fingers on first. Yeah, that area, just below the left clavicle, one of the three thousand hot zones on Brian’s body. A personal favorite hot zone. 

“No, of course not.”

“Then why are you asking me how I know? You say you’d rather be strung up by the balls, all the time.” Not hand, Justin thought, this definitely requires more than touching Brian that way, and he leaned forward, lazily reaching with his tongue to touch the tip to that millimeter of skin, and heard Brian’s breath hiss in. Gotcha! he thought. 

“I don’t say that all the time.” Tone softer, good, wonder how the lips are looking… it’s one small step from softening lips to soft lips on dick…

“You just want me to want to marry you so you can reject me. It’s a power thing.” He definitely had better uses for his tongue, but before moving onto that sweep of muscle just below the right pecs, he glanced up to gauge the tension in Brian’s lips. Still compressed. And now a glare, not wavering. Well, shit. What was he doing wrong here? Let’s see, soft touches, good; licking, always good; arguing about the same old crap, basically foreplay… What the fuck was going wrong? Well, anyway, Justin got in his licks, and Brian was still too stiff. In the lips, anyway. Justin straightened back up, considering which area of skin to hone in on next. Or was Brian really upset? “Whatever.” Wait… did he just say that aloud? Oh, well. Whatever. 

“You don’t want to marry ME? That’s all this is? Not, like, you want to marry me, or, you don’t want to get married? You might want to get married, but not to me.”

“Yup.” Justin went back to flipping through the brochure.

“Fuck that shit. As if. YOU don’t want to marry ME. Right. You’re gonna marry me, you little shit. Tomorrow.”

“What?” 

*********

“CUT!!” Gale yelled. “Ron! I just… Can I talk to you for a sec?” 

Randy sat back with a sigh. He had already told Gale it was useless. But Ron was on the set. And Gale still wanted to fight for Brian. Randy had given up on good writing for Justin about two years ago. Poor, confused, psycho Justin. Poor, closed off, doomed Brian. Poor, poor Gale. 

“It just doesn’t make sense.” Gale tried reasoning with Ron, who had walked over and now stood with his arms crossed and a blank look on his face. For all the good it was going to do. Randy knew Gale had already called Dan about this, had already fought behind the scenes over this. But alas, poor Gale! Sometimes he really was a dumb smart person. 

“Look, we KNOW Brian loves Justin,” Gale continued. “I mean, set aside Brian’s need to be on the pure power trip even though he should know better after losing a nut, I won’t keep harping on that, you’ve explained. I don’t agree with you, but fine. But to suddenly have him propose to Justin not because he loves him, but because he’s challenged, like some 8-year old kid, or some archaic uber-guy from straight out of the Dark Ages? I mean, even the Marlboro man died of lung cancer, haven’t we learned our lesson about men like that?” Uh oh, Randy thought, not the fucking Marlboro Man again. Gale was getting his panties in a twist, damn it. He was usually pretty quiet, easy going. But when he was passionate about something, he could really be like a dog at a bone. Randy should know. 

Even though Gale’s voice was pitched low, Randy heard the urgency in it. Hard to miss. “Can’t Brian, I don’t know, show a little more depth, maybe just once at the end? Just ONE real scene that actually lets me act out this guy’s potential? I know exactly how to do it, it’d be good, that’s what I do, acting, I’m good at this, really, please, give me one small scene where Brian actually opens up! Like, one sentence!”

Poor, poor Gale, Randy thought, watching his friend fight actual tears. He still gave a shit. It wasn’t good for him. 

“Brian,” Ron replied, “I mean, Gale. It’s in the script. Stop thinking, it’s not your job. This is the way I want it. We want the series to go out with a real statement, especially about The Issue. I already know where this is going. It’s perfect.”

“But it’s not perfect for Brian, where Brian is begging to go, has been since season 2! Shit, where I’m begging you to let us go now! In front of everybody, begging you, goddamn it Ron!!” 

“Uh huh. Look. What I wrote… that’s the script. It doesn’t have to make sense to you. To anybody. The audience will love it. And I’m doing this for the good of All Humanity. You’ll see! In 20 years, you’ll all see!! Now back to places, everybody!” Ron yelled, waving his arms in the area and raging off. 

“Uh, can I have five minutes?” Randy asked. He actually thought Gale needed five minutes; the guy looked truly crushed. He’d have to get that expression of actual emotion off of his face in order to play Brian again. 

“Fifteen, all!” the director called. 

Gale looked over at Randy, and smiled briefly. “Thanks,” he murmured.

“No problem,” Randy whispered back, as the crew broke to grab some coffee. 

 

*********

 

“Um. What?” Justin asked. 

“You heard me. Get your coat, we’re gonna go get you your fucking ring.”

Oh, great! Justin thought, off to the sex shop!! That leash fantasy was starting to give him ideas…

 

Half an hour later, he looked uneasily around at the glass cases holding some of the most unbelievably beautiful pieces of jewelry he had ever seen. They had driven to a part of the city he had never really been to before, and, tucked away in this small back street were those tiny exclusive shops indicated only by brass plates on the brick facades, that you had to be buzzed into. 

And no prices on display. 

They were the only customers in the store, and Brian immediately asked the man behind the counter, “Are you gay?”

The man, fairly hot, though a bit too fastidious-looking for Justin’s taste, smiled. Justin leaned against Brian’s shoulder and whispered, “Brian, you fucked him three weeks ago.”

“Oh, well good.” Brian moved closer to the counter, and leaned against it. 

The smile of the salesman was slightly pained, but the man only said, “How can I help you, Mr. Kinney?”

Justin stood back with his arms crossed. 

“I need to get him,” Brian jerked his thumb in Justin’s direction, “an engagement ring. Only something tasteful.”

“I want sapphires.” 

Brian turned back, his brow furrowed up. Sapphires. 

“To match my pretty blue eyes.” Justin batted his eyelashes.

“Yeah, you’re gonna have to trust me on this one, then.” Brian turned back to the counter. “Would you show me some rings? For him.” He emphasized that last.

Bill – the guy’s name was Bill – disappeared into the back of the shop. Justin moved up toward his partner. “Hey, it’s my ring, I want to have a say in what I get.” 

Brian looked down as Justin peered at the women’s rings in the case in front of him. “I don’t think you’re going to disapprove of a $25,000 ring.”

“Yeah, as if. Three months of salary, Brian, that’s before taxes. Don’t give me that 25 grand shit.”

“Three months?”

“Engagement rings are supposed to cost the purchaser three months of his salary.” Justin continued to eye the rings, snorting as he imagined himself wearing a pear-shaped diamond. Everyone knew princess cuts were in this year. 

“Of course, you’d know this shit,” Brian growled.

“I only know because you brought home all that ad crap about it. You’re the one who went with that whole, ‘Isn’t three months of your salary worth HER?’ Made me want to retch.”

“Fucking breeder shit.”

“No, clearly, any woman who’d settle for three months has no self-respect. I can see me in a princess cut, can’t you?” Justin swallowed a giggle fit.

“Of course I can,” Brian replied. 

“This is ridiculous,” Justin sighed.

“Absolutely. I have no idea why you’re the one getting the ring. We should just buy matching rings for the ceremony.”

Bill came back at that moment, and laid a display of rings out in front of Brian. “I brought you some wedding bands as well, thought you might want to see those also.” Bill had heard Brian’s last statement.

“Shit, Brian, you only want to spend the money on yourself.”

“Best investment there is.” Brian picked up a band, and handed it to Justin.

“You are such a self-serving prick…” Then Justin saw the ring, and stopped breathing. Onyx, he thought. And platinum. Very smooth, deceptively simple, but the stone and the metal were intertwined beautifully, seamlessly. Very bold design, pretty much perfect. The artist was a genius. Justin felt himself basically melt. 

“You’re an asshole, this is perfect,” Justin grumped, giving the ring back to Brian and putting his arms around Brian’s waist. 

“Two please,” Brian said, handing the ring back to Bill. “See, told you you’d marry me,” he finished. 

Right before Brian swooped in on him, tongue coming out to claim the inner recesses of Justin’s mouth, Justin noticed that Brian’s lips had finally relaxed. 

**BiggestBJFanEVER!!! writes:**

“The Engagement Party!”

So brain and Justin were invigted to Deb’s home for dinner. They went in the horse. Debbie said hello.

“HI deb.” They said. Then they walked in.

“Everybody.” Brian siad, we have an announcement!”

“Yah, brain aksed me to marry him!!” Justin squeeled, showing off his ring!! He flipped his hand forward and it shined like a star! Only like a blue star cuase it was saphire but it really did match his eyes! And he was wearing a blue sweater cause brian had dressed him cause he said it was important cuase this was theyre engagement party only know one new it!!

OMG!” Everybody yelled, even Gus. Brian walked over and picked up his son and kissed him on the cheek, and Linds came over and kissed Brian on the cheek and Justin hugged Brian’s waist while Lindsay hugged them but mean while every one was crowding into hug them both and finally Jennifer cried, “stop, my baby needs air!”

And Justin said, “I am not a baby mom!” 

And Deb says, your children are always you’re babys and Brain sez, “yeah but I made him a man!”

And Jen says, “do not remind me!” 

And they all laugh and are so happy except mikey who slunk out into the yard and cryed and tryed to figure out how to ruin everything cuase he is evil. 

 

**Jane writes:**

"Love, Brian style"

The lull in conversation, and then the buzz behind their backs as they walked through Babylon, arms around each other, followed them all the way to the bar on the lower floor.

“Well,” said Emmett, handing them each a glass of champagne as they approached, “If it isn’t the happily engaged couple.”

“I’m gonna get that guy fired,” Brian growled, downing the glass in a throw and looking around for the bottle. 

“Oh, please, Brian, you knew that guy would tell everyone, that way you’d be spared the big emotional announcement.”

“Joining the dark side, are we?” Michael came up behind Brian, and squeezed his arm in his hand.

“Does everyone know?” Justin asked, sipping his champagne and looking around.

“I don’t think your mother does… but she will once my mother hears. Which means, yeah, everyone knows.”

“So when you guys getting married?” Emmett asked. 

“Not before I fuck that guy,” Brian said, spotting a particularly hot trick and making a beeline for him.

Justin continued to look around, and sipped on his champagne. Emmett watched him. Justin looked up, caught Emmett’s gaze. “He loves me, Emmett, it doesn’t mean anything.” 

Michael crossed his arms over his chest. “Well, if you want me to kick his ass, I’ll do it for you.”

“Thanks, Michael, but it’s fine.” He and Michael had had a falling out earlier that week when Michael had lied to Justin about the fact that the movie had netted them half a million dollars each. Michael had tried to give Justin a paltry fifty thousand. He hadn't meant to, of course! he had simply "forgotten" one of the zeros. It had been a big drama for everyone. Justin had forgiven Michael, though, because Michael had seemed so sorry. Not that he apologized; it was just in the way he said hello to Justin the day after they found the extra zero. And so everything was fine between them again.

“Really?” Michael asked. “He’s not much acting like a married man.”

“He’s not married yet,” Justin replied, turning to the bar and ordering a shot of tequila. 

“Honey, I don’t think that’s going to change anything.” 

Justin shrugged. “Brian loves me. Besides, how's a married man supposed to act?” 

Michael shrugged, and Emmett nodded. They were, after all, talking about Brian.

 

Next day, at the loft, Justin was mapping out his vows in the living space, while Brian sat at the computer. Deb and Jen had been over earlier, insisting that the wedding be moved to Sunday, four days away, so that Debbie could prepare the house for the party after. 

“Are you working on your vows, Brian?” Justin asked. He had insisted they write their own. 

“Nah, just surfing porn sites for tricks.”

“Find anything?”

“Nothing good. You done writing my vows yet?”

“Asshole! I’m writing my own. You’re supposed to be working on yours yourself. You said you would. And Brian Kinney’s word…”

Brian rolled his eyes, and turned off the computer. “Fine, give me a piece of paper.” He moved to join Justin on the floor, put the paper on the glass of the coffee table, and began writing.

Twenty minutes later, Justin sighed.

“Problems?” Brian asked. “And don’t answer that with another sigh. You’ve sighed 23 times in the last twenty-three minutes. And my skin is not in direct contact with yours. So those sighs can’t be good.” 

“I just… I can’t think of how to say what I want to say. It all comes out sounding like bad cliches. I loved him from the minute I met him, he’s the most beautiful man in the world… blah blah blah. What have you got?”

Brian picked up his paper. “Three years ago, I saw the hottest twink on the planet, with the best ass in the universe. It was mine then, it’s officially mine now. Now leave the room so I can fuck it.”

Justin’s mouth dropped open. Then his jaw snapped shut with an audible ‘click.’ “You better be kidding.”

“I know, we can’t kick anyone out of the room before the minister declares us husbanded.” 

“Brian…” The tone was ominous. 

Brian smirked. “Joking!” 

“Not funny.”

“Fine, tell me what you think of this. ‘I can’t think of anything I deserve less than to be standing here, in front of everyone who knows exactly what my actually doing this means. Me, standing here, giving up myself for a better life with this beautiful, beautiful man. I’ve watched you grow up, made you grow up in ways that have been unfair to us both. Through it all, you’ve taken on my issues as if they were your own, and never stopped believing that I could be better than I am, not for your sake, but for my own. In being what you are, you’ve made us possible. You love me even when I can’t love myself. So I could tell you that I love you, but those three words could not possibly convey a feeling beyond my capacity to express.’ 

“That’s all I have so far. It's rough, the prose is a bit stilted in places, I'll have to work on the rhythm... What do you think?” He looked across the table, then groaned. Justin was in tears. 

“Wow… holy shit,” Justin whispered, before launching himself across the table and into Brian’s arms.

“I guess it’s good enough then?” Brian chuckled, as Justin buried his face in Brian’s neck.

*******

Randy stood behind Gale, who was sitting slumped in the chair. 

“You did good, Gale. It was really beautiful,” he said, working his hands over the knot at the base of Gale’s neck. 

“Really?”

“Really.” Randy moved his hands to the other side, digging his thumb in, grinning at Gale’s indrawn breath when he hit the muscle knot on the other side. “Why are you doubting yourself?”

“It’s not that I’m unhappy about the scene itself…”

“But…”

“But he had celebrated their engagement by fucking another guy? And then he can come out with those words? Cause you know Brian never says anything he doesn’t really mean.” 

“But it’s Brian. Monogamy doesn’t mean he doesn’t love Justin.”

“It’s not about love, it’s about respect. And since when are love and respect separate entities? And isn’t Justin supposed to be the anti-Michael, not letting Brian pull him into his dysfunctional universe? What’s more dysfunctional than saying what you really feel, but in the next second fucking other guys publicly? It has nothing to do with whether he loves him or not, we know he does! That’s not the point.”

“Ah, so you were listening to me when I was still bitching about the abuse Justin was taking, all the way back in season 2.”

“You were very wise.” 

“Too bad no one listened. Except you.”

“How do you do it? Disengage from the character?”

“It’s the hair,” Randy replied solemnly. “I let my real color grow back after we wrap, and voila! No more Justin. He is, after all, so very, very blond. Make yourself a redhead when we’re done.” He imagined Gale with red hair, picturing him from carrot colored to rich burgundy. “Cinnamon, it would be you.” 

Gale sighed, leaned his head back, onto Randy’s shoulder. Randy patted him on the back. “It’ll all be over soon…”

 

**  
**

**BiggestBJFanEver!!! write:**

"They Get Merried!!!"

Brain was standing in the front of the alter waiting for his baby. Brian was waiting in a perfectly taylored, black suite by Armany because he loved armani most of all his high tony designers!! It was all black and he was wearing a red shirt and tie cuase that is what his baby loves and he was so nervous before getting himself together that Micky needed to tie his tie for him.

“Hey cut it out you will get it all twisted and then justin will strangle you if you do not show up on time he will think you are standing him up at the alter.” Micky said.

“O no i would not stand up my baby! Brian answered. “I love him more then life itself and I am so happy to finally be able to tell him because he deserves it like no one else deserves my love for ever!” Brian said. A single tear gushed down his cheek and Michy was tearing up to. 

When they got to the church every one was their. Brain stood at the beginning of the alter and Justin appeared at the ending of the isle. Every one stood up and stared back at him in his baby blue tux that matched his parry twinkle eyes. 

Oh my god! Brian whispered and then justin was marching up the isle and Emmet was saying, you go baby! and every body laughs!

Then they got to the top of the church and brian kissed him and deb called “you can not kiss him yet wait til you get to the honey moon sweet!” and Micky answered “yah right we will be lucky if they wait to get in to the limo!” and every one laughs!!

So father Tom said to brain. “Do you Brain Ashley Kinney take Justin Buford Taylor to be your law fully wedded husband?”

And Brian hesitated, and Justin raised an eye brow and Mel yelled, “I told you to get him drunk first!” 

And Brain yelled back, “I do not need to be drunk because I do, totally sober and all!”

“Do you Justin Buford Taylor take Brain Ashley Kinney to be your law fully wedded husband?”

“Oh my god a thousand times yes!!” Justin yelled and every one laughs again!!!

And then Tom pronounced them husband and husband and then Brain kissed Justin like they would not ever stop and Justin started to pass out from lack of oxygen and every one was too busy cheering so they did not see Joan Kinney in the back of the church crying because she was not invited to her own sons wedding but who can blame brain since would only a organized a protest with pickets and all if she'd a known.

 

**  
**

**Jane writes,**  
"The Non-Defined, Non-Conventional, Non-CowLip Marriage of Brian and Justin"

 

“We’re not really going to get married,” Justin said. "This is really all a joke, right?"

“Here, put this on,” Brian said, handing him a tuxedo he produced from the back of the closet. 

“Hey, this is the tux I was gonna wear…”

“Yeah, yeah, to the Rage opening, sorry ‘bout that.”

“Ancient history.” Justin stared at the tux, its beautiful lines, the shiny black stripes down the pant leg, the jacket he knew fit him perfectly. Calvin Klein. 

Brian shrugged into his shirt, getting into his own tux. “Hurry up, the limo gets here in a half hour.” 

“Brian.”

Brian turned, tucking his shirt into the Armani pants. “Yeah.”

‘We aren’t really getting married. Right? This is all a joke.”

“Well…” Brian stared at Justin.

Justin waited. And waited. “Brian?”

 

* * * * * * * * 

Gale stared at Randy. “No.”

“Um. No?”

“Gale, that’s not the line!” CowLip yelled at him. 

“Yeah, I know,” Gale said. Then he walked off the set. 

Randy sighed. He sighed a lot these days. He felt like he was living in a bad!fic. Actually, he reflected, he kind of was. “All over soon,” he muttered. The mantra soothed him. It had for the past two years. It did now.

“Randy!” CowLip yelled at him.

“Yeah, yeah,” he answered. He didn't wait to hear CowLip's command, but went to find Gale on his own accord. 

When he entered Gale's dressing room, the other man greeted him by saying, “I’m not going to say those lines. I don't care.” 

“Gale…”

“Nope, I don’t care what they do to me. I don’t give a shit about how I have a contract. How I have a responsibility to the other actors. To you. How they can just fill the show up with Mikey…”

“They’re doing that anyway,” Randy replied dryly. Yeah. Look what he got when he had started pushing for Justin. Turned into a schizophrenic and consigned to moving furniture around. 

“Gale!” CowLip yelled as it pushed into the dressing room. 

Gale glared. “I’m not going to. Nope, just. No. Brian wouldn’t say that. He wouldn’t go through an entire charade of a marriage, telling Justin he’s doing it to stick it to his mother, to support Mikey for Christ's sake, to make a point that gay people have the right to get married… Everything but how personal those words actually are. That's why he wouldn't say those words to Justin, unless they were about Justin, Justin and him. Words means something to Brian.”

“That’s the point!” CowLip yelled at him, waving its arms to make the point. “And the government isn’t allowing Brian to exercise his right for his word to mean something, so of COURSE he’d tell Justin that it’s all a joke but they’re doing it anyway…”

“But that’s what I mean!” Gale yelled back. Randy started. Gale never, never yelled. “You think Brian would care if the government underwrote his word? It has nothing to do with politics!”

“It has everything to do with politics! This isn’t about Brian, this is about the MESSAGE. If Brian could really marry Justin, maybe then he’d give up tricking…” CowLip paused, for dramatic effect. “And then all the fans would think they might do it raw because they could.”

Gale stared, and started laughing. “That’s fucking crazy. All this is to prompt the fan base to become politically active so that Brian can fuck Justin without a condom? That’s nuts.”

“So are the fans,” Randy muttered. Gale glared at him, and Randy mouthed back, “It’s true.”

“Call us crazy all you want, just so long as you get your ass back on the set,” CowLip replied, backing out through the door. “Crazy like a fox!”

“Well, what a surprise, clichés from the masters,” Randy commented as he closed the door. He looked back at Gale, who was booting up his laptop. “Well? Are we going back?”

Gale shook his head. He stared at the computer screen.

“They’ll just fill the show with Mikey.”

“Oh, so something new. Hal’ll be thrilled that we abdicated. Grab a chair.”

Randy moved the empty chair up to the desk, sitting next to Gale, and watched him pull up a Word document. “What are you doing?”

“Rewriting the scene.”

“CowLip’ll never use it.”

“Not the point.”

“Fine,” Randy sighed. Shit, he thought, I’m sighing again. I really gotta cut that out. “Which scene are we picking up?”

“Before the tricking at Babylon… Just after they get the rings. They get back to the loft and have just finished a particularly nasty hard sex session that has their buff bodies gleaming in the fading light…” 

“Can’t we make love, just once?”

“You should be happy I don’t have you on your knees.”

“Okay, BRIAN.”

“Hey, I’m in character now…”

* * * * * * * * 

Justin rolled onto his back, as Brian fell back against the pillows, his eyes closed, catching his breath. Damn. Justin looked over at him, grinned, swatted him with a hand. Brian opened his eyes, grabbed the hand that had just stung his flesh. “Not too shabby.” He raised Justin’s hand above his face, the ring finger facing him. “Not too shabby at all.”

“They’re really beautiful, Brian,” Justin answered, turning their clasped hands so he could view the ring on Brian’s hand alongside his own. 

“Disappointed we’re not going to stand up in front of all your friends and family? Make fools of ourselves?”

Justin shook his head, grimacing. “I think I’d be embarrassed.”

“You’d start crying.”

“Nope, but I might giggle and totally ruin the moment. Besides, weddings are expensive. You can take me to Europe or something instead.”

Brian watched him as Justin continued to stare at the rings. 

Justin looked over. “Seriously. I don’t need the words. I know how you feel about me.”

“And that is…”

“You did write those vows. Vows you’ll never say, but I don't care.”

“I did say them,” Brian answered, turning on his side. “I read them to you.”

“Oh! Well, um… But I didn’t know…”

“What?” 

“Well, it wasn’t like they were official.”

“Official. There I am pouring out my heart to you, and he tells me it isn’t official. Official’s just a word…”

“So’s ‘I do.’” 

“That’s two words,” Brian pointed out, sitting up and reaching for his pack of cigarettes. “Besides, you never got to your vows anyway. It makes me wonder, if you truly love me…”

Justin sat up as well, sputtering a negation, before he saw the smile that Brian was trying to hide behind the puff of smoke curling out of his mouth. “You…!” he laughed along, pushing Brian back on the bed and straddling one long thigh. He stretched his body into Brian’s side, his head against his chest, ear pressed to the beat of Brian’s heart. “I love you, Brian. With this ring,” he pulled Brian’s left hand down to his field of vision, carressing the ring with one finger, “I thee wed. For better and worse, sickness and health… and that means you tell me when we're in the sickness part, asshole…”

“Yeah, fine,” Brian answered. He took a drag on the cigarette, thought about quitting. Nasty habit. “Go on.” 

“I don’t remember the rest.”

“We’ll make it up as we go along.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Justin answered. Their hands entwined, and Brian lifted himself slightly to stub out the cigarette. Then he rolled Justin onto his back, and bent down to kiss him.

* * * * * * * 

“And then they make love,” Randy sighed.

“Brian Kinney does not make love,” Gale answered, saving the document under “WasteofTime12.” He turned the machine off, and stood, stretching, feeling much, much better. “All right, Sunshine, let’s go finish the scene.”

“Really? You’re really going to let Brian tell Justin it’s a joke on his mother and the politicians and everyone who tells the great Brian Kinney he can’t do something? And then off to the chapel, and we’re gonna get married. And then Brian fucks one of the ushers while Justin waits in the limo. You're going to do that.” 

“Well, what the hell. As you say, it’ll all be over soon.”


End file.
